down the rabbit hole

It's funny how you can think you know someone, even minimally, and then be surprised to the core when you discover that there are fundamental differences you just can't seem to get your head around.

I have a policy of not being "Facebook friends" with my student employees.  It doesn't come up often, but inevitably a couple times a semester I get such a friend request.  There ensues a slightly awkward conversation in which I explain that if they still want to be "friends" once they've graduated, that would be lovely, but in the meantime we'll stick with our working relationship.

This happened with one of the best student employees I've had in the eleven years (yes, eleven years!) I've been working here at Columbia, and I was and am tickled pink that we remain in touch even through the nebulous connection that is Facebook.

Yesterday we got into a discussion about Judge Walker's ruling that Proposition 8 is in fact unconstitutional (see Rachel Maddow's bit on putting minority rights up for a vote) and I was taken aback at the outpouring of anti-gay rhetoric.  As a New York City girl, as a Barnard graduate and a Columbia University employee, as a child of an incredibly liberal and progressive family, I forget sometimes that there are real people -- people I know and respect -- who talk in the vein of Maggie Gallagher and other faithful NOMers who come up with brilliant little logical nuggets like this.

I don't know anyone else, at least not personally, who puts marriage in quotes when talking about same-sex couples.  I don't know anyone else who talks in terms of same-sex newlyweds infringing on parental rights across the land, or speaks of elementary school teachers "degrading themselves" by reading aloud to their students books like King and King or And Tango Makes Three or Heather Has Two Mommies or uses this mother* as an example of the horrors parents will endure should a first-grade teacher (God forbid) mention her fiancee in class.

Ultimately this friend did say that he has no problem with the legality of same-sex marriage (though I don't entirely buy that), but the language, the context, out of which that statement finally came was a context of judgment and disapproval -- an inherent belief that same-sex couples, though they must be tolerated because they are not criminal, should still be tucked safely away out of the light of day (and away from the eyes of innocent children).

I like discussion and argument, as anyone who knows me knows all too well, and I can (usually) see the value in other people's opinions even when I disagree with them.  But I'm honestly having trouble with this one and don't know where to go from here.  Nowhere, probably.  I don't want to isolate myself from such alien ideas, but it's strange to be friends with someone whose understanding of equality is so fundamentally different from my own.  When he speaks of indoctrination and protecting the children, he is speaking of an attitude he harbors towards people I hold dear, towards myself and feelings I've had for several beautiful and amazing women over the years, towards a sense of fairness and justice on which I do not wish to compromise.

All of that said, what better way to keep an eye on the enemy (and I use that term with a certain wry smile rather than a serious hard stance) than to keep an eye on his status updates and throw in my two cents now and again.

*I spent a little while perusing the comments on that article about the traumatized mother and came across two that jumped out at me.  First, commenter ACG remembered her own teacher's announcement that she was getting married, and imagined one possible scenario for the current situation which struck me as right on.  Second, and this may be my favorite put-down of all time, was commenter ACG's response to this drivel from TownCryer:

TownCryer:  This country has allowed ‘Civil Union’ for gay people … they can marry and put their partner on their insurance or pension etc. …. they have an option …

ACG:  This is… not true. It’s just incorrect, in the sense that your facts are wrong. If you look at facts that are correct, and then look at your facts, you’ll see that they’re different.

ACG, of Practically Harmless, may just be my new favorite blogger.